Make no mistake, Donald Trump is—first and foremost—a reality television star. There are plenty of crusty, thin-skinned New York billionaires* with their names on tall buildings, but only Donald Trump had the exposure that a network primetime reality show provides, exposure he has now leveraged into his first real job in years, as president of the United States.
Was it such a surprise, then, to learn Trump selected fellow reality television star (and the indicted former governor of Texas) Rick Perry to be his Energy Secretary? This comes a week after picking Linda McMahon—she of professional wrestling fame—as head of the Small Business Administration. For 240 years, our presidents made a point to surrounded themselves with the greatest minds in their fields to help run the country. But Donald Trump will always have more in common with Snooki than with the statesmen who have held the office of president before him, and so far his cabinet reflects it.
As of December 14, there remains four vacant cabinet-level positions in a Trump administration. Let’s handicap the odds of the best-qualified reality television stars still on the board.
Veterans Affairs: Sarah Palin
The former star of Sarah Palin’s America and the ex-mayor of Alaska’s sixth largest city is not only the reality television star with the best chance to fill a remaining cabinet position, if news reports are to be believed, she’s a front-runner.
A lifetime ago, Palin was considered the paragon of unqualified candidates for federal office. In a Trump administration, her appointment would constitute a nod towards experience. Palin comes from a military family—her son Track served in Iraq and the national guard—and she is outspoken about the need for veteran care.
This of course assumes she’s not too busy keepin’ an eye on Russia from her front porch, presumably so she can put out the welcome mats and a fresh pitcher of lemonade.
Odds: 3 to 1.
Trade Representative: Ryan Lochte
Republican fundraiser Wayne Berman and First Amendment opponent Peter Thiel are considered leading contenders to fill the role of U.S. Trade Representative, but the dark horse pick is Ryan Lochte, former Olympian and star of What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
As he’s keen to tell people, there’s so much more to him than swimming. His participation at the Rio Olympics this past summer—where he was indicted for lying to the police after trashing a gas station, peeing on the side of the building, and then fabricating a story about being kidnapped at gunpoint—demonstrates the exact kind of cavalier disregard for international decorum that could endear him to Donald Trump. And while some would describe his decision to flee the country and leave his teammates behind to face arrest and prosecution as an unfathomable display of cowardice, Trump would likely say it makes Lochte smart.
Odds: 15 to 1.
Secretary of Agriculture: Si and Phil Robertson
The brothers and Duck Dynasty stars may not seem like a natural fit to head an agency with a $140 billion budget, 100,000 employees, and some 45 million people who depend on SNAP for at least some of their food costs. But few are as familiar with the wilderness and wildlife as these two, and their successful duck call business is a perfect metaphor for the entire Trump administration: they manufacture a product whose sole purpose is to emit the precise noises that attract unsuspecting victims, who let their guards down only to discover they’ve been conned. Fair warning for Trump supporters: in this metaphor, the ducks are usually shot and eaten next.
Like Trump’s Vice President (and quite possibly Trump himself), Phil Robertson shares his belief that gays live a life of sin, equal in God’s eyes to bestiality. One potential landmine for the Robertsons’ candidacy: they have strong feelings about adulterers, which Donald Trump is several times over.
Odds: 50 to 1.
Office of Management and Budget: Kris Jenner
If there is one job in America harder than president of the United States, it’s being tasked with keeping the Kardashian family relevant using any means necessary, holy matrimony included.
That job is currently held by matriarch Kris, who has leveraged wealth and good genes into multiple reality shows, book deals, fashion lines, and iPhone apps for her spawn, all without steering the whole Kardashian family bandwagon straight off a cliff. That’s the kind of ruthless, no-nonsense efficiency that the OMB requires.
Trump might also be put at ease by joining forces with a family nearly as dynastic as his own. He has already extended an olive branch to Kris’s son-in-law, and has demonstrated a level of comfort with the letter K.
Odds: 15 to 1.